What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

On the 31st of Jan this month .

We were not on the streets..

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

I never cut or harmed myself..

Are you afraid to get married and why?

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

It was going to be , some day.

Why does a straight man like anal penetration?

I was scared of men, in general

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

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As i do to all so called friends.?

This is how, and why children get BPD.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

What's the most incredible coincidence that ever happened to you?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

My life is so biszare .

Why do I feel so lazy every time I get into my room?

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

How do you treat a hematoma at home?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

I don,t even have a pension.

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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I will be 64.

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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

She found it foreign!.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

I could never make a relationship work though!

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

(And it was in our own minds.)

What did i know ?

I said to her

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

She loved him until the end.

Put me off passion for life!!

I waited trembling.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But, we were locked up after school.

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

When she asked me how she looked .

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

And i lived it daily.

She wouldn,t have been !

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

All the time i was locked up.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He resisted the act ,that day.

But ive been too sick for many years..

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

So whats the point in blame.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Ive learnt so much.

I couldn’t, believe it.

Comes on , in middle age.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I have no regrets .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

I was seconnd youngest,

Who then, do I blame.?

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She was in good health!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

I think the readers, may guess!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Was to survive, this bastard.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I was 9 years of age.

She married twice! .

One cannot live in the past .

Especially a lifetime of it.

Im still living with it.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Would this be the day?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

My family never makes their pension either.

So, i spoilt her more .

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I was very sick at this time too.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

The only rule us 5 kids had .

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

We all went to grammer schools

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

He knew the spot.

But it wasn’t much.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

Why did i forgive my father ?

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

I write beautiful poetry .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

This is soul school!.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.